When you are talking with someone about their alcohol problem, or about issues you feel are related to their drinking, then you should try to 'Feedback' to them. In feeding back, your aim is to HIGHLIGHT INCONSISTENCIES in the statements made by the person in a way that does NOT engender a feeling of resistance in the person.
Within the process of conversation if you find yourself disagreeing with what they are saying, or noticing that problems they are blaming on other things are actually due to their drinking then:
Here's an example of a bad response:
Drinker: 'I've got a stinking headache this morning.'
Helper: 'Well you shouldn't drink so much then'.
Drinker: 'What do you mean?'
Helper: 'I mean that you need to stop drinking.'
The 'helper' has made statements, which although may be justified are only likely to force the 'drinker' further into denial. In this case the drinker is likely to leave the conversation thinking 'What rubbish; it's nothing to do with drinking'. (Remind yourself: Your job is not to justify yourself; it is to move the person towards accepting that they might have a problem with alcohol.)
Here’s an example of a good response:
Drinker: ‘I’ve got a stinking headache this morning.’
Helper: ‘Is it a bad one?’
Drinker: ‘I think I’ld better take the day off work.’
Helper: ‘Will they mind?’
Drinker: ‘They said it could be a disciplinary next time, didn’t they.’
Helper: ‘Why’s that?’
Drinker: ‘Too many days sick.’
Helper: ‘Do you think you’ve taken too many days sick?’
This kind of response has completely avoided talking about alcohol, and has generally avoided saying anything that could be construed by the drinker as a criticism. If the conversation ends here, then the drinker is more likely than not to leave the conversation thinking: 'Have I taken too many days sick?' This would be a first step in the right direction towards contemplation of the possibility that too many days sick might be related to drinking too much. This has been achieved through an empathic response, and the use of questions rather than statements. Note also that although the helper demonstrated concern, they did not say anything to the effect that it didn't matter about taking time off work. This is an important balance to achieve - demonstrating empathy whilst not 'letting the person off the hook' either.
The conversation might continue as follows:
Drinker: ‘What – are you saying I should go to work?’
Helper: ‘No, of course I’m not, that has to be your decision.’
This is a good response from the helper even though it does not involve asking a question. The helper has hopefully defused the possibility of the drinker feeling attacked, or ordered to do something. Additionally, the reply has made it clear that it is the drinker's responsibility to make a decision. The helper has effectively 'rolled with resistance', so as not to engender defensiveness; but equally they have not clearly given the drinker their support in taking the day off work.
Heavy drinkers who are experiencing problems will often have a tendency to blame others for the occurrence of these problems. They will do this to protect their sense of self-esteem which is most likely rather fragile. More on this below under 'Responsibility'.
The conversation may continue further:
Drinker: ‘You’re really getting on my nerves now.’
Helper: ‘I’m sorry you feel like that. Why am I getting on your nerves?’
Drinker: ‘You’re always having a go at me, going on.’
Helper: ‘Why do you think that?’
Drinker: ‘I can just tell what you’re thinking – thinking I’m no good – like I’m a
waste of space.’
Helper: ‘I’ve never said that. And I don’t think you’re a waste of space. Do you
think you’re no good?’
Drinker: ‘Sometimes.’
Through the use of a mixture of open-ended and closed questions, and a reasonably empathic response, the helper has managed to lead the drinker to contemplate that they are not happy with themselves, rather than blaming someone else for their feelings. Also note how the helper started to defuse the situation by saying 'I'm sorry you feel like that.' Importantly this did not involve a direct apology, it did sound concerned, and it placed the responsibility for the unpleasant feelings with the person that was experiencing them (the drinker).
The conversation might continue:
Helper: ‘How long have you felt like this?’
Drinker: ‘Ages now, it’s just slowly built up.’
Helper: ‘Why do you think that is then? I mean I know you’re a good person at heart.
Can you think of anything that might have triggered it off?’
Drinker: No, not really – well, I know I’m drinking a bit too much, but I can’t see
that’s anything to do with it.’
Helper: ‘May be you’re right.’
At this point it's probably best to leave the conversation here. The idea that drinking 'might' be the cause of problems has reached the drinker's consciousness, even though he/she is still denying it verbally. The helper's words 'May be..(you're right)' are likely to ring in the drinker's mind after you leave the conversation. You have made a generally supportive statement ('may be you're right'), but have hopefully left a nagging doubt about this in the drinker's mind. This is the art of HIGHLIGHTING AMBIVALENCE in the drinker's statements and feelings.
Naturally, all these examples of dialogue are a little superficial, but I hope they demonstrate the kind of approach necessary. You will need to develop your own style, so that things don't sound unnatural at first. Work at first on developing a style of asking questions without making statements. From this work towards asking more open-ended questions (Why, What, Where, Who, When, How etc.) that do not lead to simple yes/no answers. Don't expect this to work straight away - it may take months before you make progress. In the first place, while you are getting used to applying these techniques, if you feel things are going in the wrong direction during a particular conversation, then try to end that conversation as soon as possible without getting drawn into an antagonistic response. Walk away, think how you could have done it better, and try again the next day, next week or next month.
Next page .. Stage One: Responsibility
Motivate Someone To Seek Help For Alcoholism index
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