PCUG Addiction Treatment

Stage One: Feedback And Responsibility

Behaviour

The way to behave towards your drinker can be summarised as follows:

‘As much as possible, you must allow the natural consequences of the drinker’s behaviour to occur, without interfering to modify these consequences.’

Or in short hand: ‘Neither help nor hinder’.

All behaviour has consequences, and drinking can have pleasant consequences, for example by increasing the success of a party, or by helping you to relax after a difficult day. However, because you are reading this information, I can safely assume that the consequences of your drinker's drinking behaviour are largely negative. The challenge is to modify your own behaviour as far as possible so that you do not end up rewarding this behaviour in any way. As I say this, I'm sure you do not feel as though your behaviour is in any way rewarding of the drinker's continued drinking. However, by 'reward' I mean 'any' behaviour on your part that may lead the drinker to be more likely to continue to drink. For example, you may be the kind of person that puts the drinker to bed when they arrive home and collapse on the sofa. Alternatively, you may be the kind of person that locks the front door and refuses to let them in. Both these actions are equally likely to 'reward' the drinker, and lead to the drinking to continue longer than is might do otherwise. In the first case (putting the person to bed) you have demonstrated a caring response that will be sought out again and again the more often you repeat it. In the second case (locking the door), you have 'set yourself up' to be blamed by the drinker for the situation they have created. Doubtless, you feel justified in locking the door, and you most likely are. But justification is not the point here. The point is that the drinker is most likely to feel a gross sense of injustice - most of you who have tried this particular response (locking the door) will have experienced an angry response from the person left outside, and in many cases a violent response. The fact that the drinker experiences a sense of injustice will lead him/her further away from accepting that they might be creating a problem and much further along the line to blaming all their problems on you. However justified you may be in taking this action, this is not the desired response in the drinker. The response we are looking for is one whereby the drinker starts to experience the fact of the matter that there is no-one left to blame for the situation other than him/herself.

There are two caveats to this.

Firstly, considering the example of locking the door. You should not lock the door if
you are only locking the door to stop the person coming in drunk. You SHOULD
lock the door if this is your usual behaviour of an evening – if you were going to lock
it whether or not the person came home drunk, then do lock it. Reasoning: do not
alter your behaviour depending on the drinking behaviour of the person you are trying
to help.

Secondly, if things have reached the point where you are at risk from physical violence, then you will have to take the appropriate action by calling the police, or leaving the premises and the immediate risk of danger. Equally, if the drinker is themselves in immediate danger to their life, then of course you should call the doctor or an ambulance. There is only so far you can go with such an approach; the further you are prepared to go the more likely I think you are to achieve your aim, but in the above two examples (calling the police or ambulance), I would personally call it a day.

So if you cannot limit the effects of the drinking by helping the person when they are
suffering, and if you cannot try to stop the effects of the drinking by punishing the
person when they behave unreasonably, then what can you do?

The simple is answer is: try to do nothing. Neither help nor hinder. By doing
nothing, you will maximise the chances of the drinker being forced into a position
where they are actively experiencing the problems consequent to their drinking, and
where they have no-one left to blame for this other than themselves. This may sound
harsh, and certainly I do not suggest that you should rush to apply these tactics early
in the course of alcoholism. Simple caring support may be helpful early on in the
course of this disease. However, by the time it has become entrenched behaviour, and
if the person is taking no responsibility for this behaviour, then the time for simple
caring is probably well past.

If you are living with or are emotionally involved with the person, then this will be
very difficult to achieve. But if you are to motivate the drinker to the point where
they wish to do something about their drinking problem, then this is exactly what you
must do.

Next page .. Stage One: Responsibility - Examples of Behaviour

Motivate Someone To Seek Help For Alcoholism index